disappointment

between us right now

this feeling, is like

that uncanny valley between hurt and rage

a place you’ve never walked

But is engraved with the footsteps

of men and women with round faces and high cheeks and brown skin

just like mine.

 

 

between us right now

this feeling, is like

the time I stepped onto an anthill

and a thousand brine lipped insects

poured forth and sank

their teeming mouths into my baby flesh

 

 

 

between us right now

this feeling, is like

the day I first stepped foot into the sea

And felt it, vicious

Bite back.

 

 

between us right now

this feeling, is like

that day working the makeup counter

when another latinx strode up to me and asked

if I could get her a foundation, one

“that didn’t make her look like an Indian”

as if we looking like our forefathers

looking Native

was the worst thing that could happen to us.

 

between us right now

this feeling, is like

every moment I’ve ever looked into blue eyes

and felt the void, gazing back.

 

between you and I right now

is every other gringo

with a sly mouth and cloudy eyes and hard jaw

so willing to say things to us

things like don’t worry or  you’re beautiful

or sometimes when I’m really lucky

And your mouth is dripping and your sharp teeth glistening

with want once again

to own worlds that aren’t yours

you even say things like I love you

 

And just like every other one of us

Struggling to breathe in the space between the wall and your body

I’ll sit there and I’ll smile and I’ll look into those frosted eyes

every next time the next person

with your skin and your eyes and your privilege

mentions what they think Caitlyn Jenner’s real name should be

or how the latest fascist isn’t really problematic or

how much our feelings don’t matter

or at least, they don’t matter enough to you

to keep you from sliding into the next white feminist

with DIY bangs and bad excuses

 

 

between us right now

this feeling, is like

the vast expanse between our lives

where you loving us is always optional

and we have to love you, just to survive.

 

 

 

 

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